The Feared Koalapath

I was chatting with L-Friend on Facebook. She's my best friend and the only person (other than Spousal Unit) that I am permitted to complain to.  L-Friend was letting me vent when she typed:

L-Friend - I would tell you to punch people who annoy you in the throat, but . . . I'm concerned you might actually do it. >_>

Me - lol : P. . .  at least you are aware of my dark vein. So many just don't realize it's so . . .  I want to say prominent.

L- But you're still lovable. Terrifying, but lovable. Like a koala.

Cuddly killer?

M- LOL. I swear I don't mean to be so terrifying (especially to my friends), but the koala thing was hilarious.

L- Have you never seen a koala mad?

M- Nope.

L- Their cute little feet have, like, raptor claws.

• 
  The video L-Friend sent me.
• 
  

  M- They must be psychopaths for them to be so mellow when attacking people.
  
  L- . . . I rest my case.
  
  M- I'm a cuddly fuzzy koalapath.
  
  L- Yes. The feared koalapath.
  
  
  

  

  I touched your heart. Now I have it.

  
  
  ~ misfoijd

• 
  

Gobbling Up Trouble

Every so often, Spousal Unit & I go camping with his dad & his dad's best friend, G. G has his own time frame to go anywhere. What should have been a 5 hour car ride becomes 8. Not due to his driving. (His lead foot makes mine feel like feathers). It's due to him visiting many of his chums along the way. 

One camping trip, we were diverted, once again, to visit one of G's friends. G's friend had a small farm in a wooded area. As with most farms, there are traces of years past still laying about. Rusting old trucks, random fence posts, a swing set, etc. While the rest of the guys went in to talk, I chose to stay outside. Mostly cause I'm a glorified 10 yr old & I wanted to swing on the swing set. 

As I'm swinging, a pair of large fluffy white turkeys come around the house.

Just like this one but x 2.

They were just gobbling away like women talking shoes. As I'm listening to them, I can't help but wonder if I could gobble too. I start trying to break down the art of gobbling: the pitch, the warble, length of the gobble. Before long, I got lost in thought trying to match the sound I was making to the sound I was hearing. It felt like science to me, but I probably just looked funny gobbling all by myself. All this while swinging away.

"The gobble starts at a higher pitch, then alternates down the scale
while never topping the initial high note......."

 The trouble with being in deep thought is you don't notice certain things as well as you should. Otherwise, I probably would have noticed the gobbling getting louder ... and closer. 

Do you know gobbling is partially used for claiming territory and isn't taken too kindly? Apparently, I was doing a decent job at gobbling.

I popped out of my haze in time to see this:

Only larger, fluffier, and exuding the "I'll cut you, B!$@#!" vibe.

I pissed off a pair of poultry who decided pursuit was necessary. It kind of went like this:



One comedic chase scene later, I'm perched on the hood of one of the rusted trucks. Fortunately, they got bored with me quickly and moved on to attacking the sliding glass doors on the house across the yard.

~misfoijd


PS - If you want a good laugh, search youtube for turkey attacks. The one with the cops is hilarious.

Thanksgiving

When I was a kid, I looked forward to Thanksgiving almost as much as Christmas. My entire family would gather under 1 roof and wait in line. All of my aunts, uncles, and cousins would be there. Generally with a casserole or 2. And there was ALWAYS more dessert than food.

Now that I'm older, I think I liked Thanksgiving a bit more. It was one of the few times a year we got everyone together. It wasn't a holiday about getting presents. I feel Christmas has become a bit of a selfish holiday. Not like Thanksgiving. If you bail out on the Christmas party, you didn't get presents. So no one misses a Christmas party if they can help it.

With Thanksgiving, you show up either because you love your family or you want to be well fed. In my book, making sure everyone is well fed is how you show you love them. So hopefully they feel so loved that next year, they come back for the love along with the food. 

Over the years, our family has drifted as the kids started having their own kids. Maybe one day, we'll bring it back together. Although our numbers have dwindled, I'm still as excited about this Thanksgiving as the last.

Kind of feel like the guy in the picture. 

Give me the basics and I'm a happy person. That & some turkey.

~misfoijd

Cuddly Eddie

On August 17, 2012, I became an Iron Maiden fan. I went to one of their concerts that day. Spousal Unit & his friends had been planning this trip since April. They wanted their other halves to like Iron Maiden too, so I was going whether I wanted to or not. Glad I did for I had a wonderful time.

Prior to that day, I had a dislike of the bands mascot Eddie.

General overview of the Eddie over the years.

I just remember when I married Spousal Unit. He put his Eddie doll on the shelf by our bed. Eddie was positioned to where he looked like he was watching us with fascination.

Please don't eat my soul, Eddie! O_O

It doesn't seem like fascination when you wake up and his soulless eyes are staring at you. Looked more like blood lust depending on how dark it was.

This brings me to the concert. As we were all basking in the awesomeness, various versions of Eddie would come and go from the stage. The one that cause my eye the most was, what I call, inflatable Eddie alpha. 

This is how he looked on stage.

After years of awkward discomfort, seeing Eddie in his most cuddly state washed away the nerves. All I could think is "Awe! How so cute!" Sorry, Eddie. I'm female and this is the cutest I've ever seen you.

Having seen Eddie in all his not-scariness, he has lost his menace to me. And to make sure he stays there, I present to you in all his cuddly inflatable cuteness . . . 

EASTER EDDIE!!

No offense to Eddie or Iron Maiden, but it's this or I have nightmares. 

~misfoijd

Fancy Bane

This weekend, Spousal Unit & I went to see The Dark Knight Rises with some of our friends. When we meet Bane, we hear him before we see him and I - not having clue one on who Bane is - guessed based on his voice he'd be a suit & tie guy; possibly fancy with a preference for a monocle & top hat.

Surprise!

Turns out Bane is a big brawny fellow with no hair and no monocle!

As the movie progresses, I'm in awe of how he can speak so proper & not once put on a top hat. Tom Hardy must have fought the urge to wear a monocle, but then again, he pulled off a borderline magical transformation from man to EPIC VILLAIN.

Magic!

By the end of the movie, I was saddened that Bane didn't get the accessories his voice so deserved. 

I FIXED IT!

I made Fancy Bane!

~misfoijd

Cinder Block Shower

Every Independence Day, Uncle Ron brings a massive haul of fireworks to the BBQ. He lives in Missouri which means most of his supply was not available (& probably not legal) in Oklahoma. I truly don't think Ron considered the legality of his interstate explosives.


And sure as sugar, we weren't going to tell him. He brought all the COOL stuff!


There was a new firework we just had to try. It was still daylight & most of our audience was still happily feasting on Burt's Burt Burgers (redundant we know, but they're too tasty for us to care). Perfect time for a quick test. 

I don't remember there being any identifiers on the packaging. I don't remember there being any pictures showing what it did. That probably should have been a big hint.


So we put it in a cinder block to find out just how awesome it was. We were standing the minimum safety distance for a normal firework when time slowed.


THUUM!

Felt like this.

It felt the thud of the explosion on my chest & through the souls of my feet. I was looking right at it when it went off (forgive me on this one. I thought it was going to be small like a ground bloom). Looked like a shell firework popped in the tube except less fire and more pointy things shooting off in all directions. Lots more pointy things.


I don't know what they were expecting but what we got was shrapnel.


We scattered instantaneously. Ron got one to the back. The largest chuck flew off to assault a RV. Some of us got hit, but nothing serious. That stuff could have been used for demolition. By God's grace, no was severely injured. Some how I was spared.


~misfoijd


P.S. - Let me know what kind stories you'd like for future. Post in the comments.

Explosive Definition of Fun

Every Independence Day, my family & extended family gather for a large BBQ at my Uncle Burt's home. He has a small farm near city limits which is prime because the cousins and I like things that go boom. We're not talking about Red Devils or any other small fireworks. 


We once blew up a cinder block. (Different post)

It's my favorite family get-together. It's the only time of the year that me and my male cousins get to play together. My cousins have their own lives, careers, or families. It's a day to go back and be stupid little kids again.


Every year, we leave burnt, covered in soot, buzzed from adrenaline and the smell of sulfur & generally with some temporary hearing loss. We head home grinning from ear to ear.

But this year, we upped the accidentally stupidity level up a few pegs.

List of Stupid Things We Surpassed

• Underestimated the destructive power of a dry ice bomb
• Nearly caught Burt's roof on fire with poorly aimed parachutes
• Thrown rockets at each other
• Launched rockets out of a PVC pipe (we had to trim the fins to fit them in)
• Launched 2 rockets at the same time out of the same PVC pipe
• Launched rockets out of a PVC pipe at each other
• Played Russian Roulette with a Saturn Missiles
• One year, I wound up being bottle rocket target practice

Those are stories for another post. For this past Independence Day was special crazy.

It's getting dark and we had shells to launch. My cousins had bought a mega pack of shells & multiple launch tubes. More than enough for all of us to light them off in groups & multiples. That's besides the other shell sets that had been bought. We were using an upside down circular horse trough as our launching pad. 


We had the space & the tools, so we what do we do....


Big Bang Groupings


We were shelling in mass. 7 people lighting at once with fuses tied together to 2 to 3 shots each. We'd light as a group and gawk as a group then the cycle continued...


You know what happens when some of the shells don't go off & some of the shells get put in tubes they didn't belong to and no one notices? 


VA-VOOOOOOM!!



Very close proxy firework show.


I got burnt on my scalp, chest, arms, & Lord knows what happened to my cousins. All I know is we all had the same response: 


O_O CRAP! *running arm flail*


There was a variety of obscenities, but the gist was the same.


And it happened again and again...


And we still left happy & buzzed, but a bit more burnt than average.


I would do it again any day.


~misfoijd